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before i leave

by if i die in mississippi

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it was love at first mixtape you saved me and i'm dumb cause i'm wasted, erased it but our love is sacred, belated you saved me, irreplaceably
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Nebraska! 01:54
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you were an inside/outside cat so i know how you stray there is nothing i can do to make you stay here so i lose you to a sea of you own indifferences and although i tried i could not reach my hand inside to the untangle the yarn ball that’s your mind outside cat, have you used up your nine lives yet inside cat, can you please just not do that
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although your intentions were too pure to fail its all come and gone now you know they will bail so i push myself back back down to hell
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when i was 13 i thought i knew everything unfolding myself as an allergy i am every intention that becomes regret i'm every memory that i can't forgive at 19 i kicked myself out by 20 i never cared about anything else so irresponsible and ashamed i poured all my closer to god down the drain now i'm 20-something getting used to my new name i'm still young and afraid i still shake on the outside like i do in my bed and i let sweet empty nothings fill me up instead tell me be honest well i'm trying my best until i become weightless like dragging on the pavement i'm still learning how to forget it's about as honest as i've ever been this is as honest as i get this is as honest as i'll let it this is as honest as i get
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if i knew back then what i know now somehow
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about

a collection of new and old, unfinished songs, b-sides and covers. this album started as what was supposed to be the first if i die in mississippi release; it ended up being the last. it is a cluster of songs that feel tangled up in the different periods of my life since i started this project over 6 years ago.
"flicking ashes..." and "headed back from the creek..." are the first two songs i ever recorded for if i die. i still don't really know what i wanted this record to sound like or what i was going for when i started it. it just kind of turned into this curation of everything left over; songs that i just couldn't ever let go, but could never really find the heart to finish either.

these songs are all kind of end up fitting into a weird and personal theme of meaning for me: finding a comfort with my sporadic-ocd/adhd creative processes/workflows over the years; finding a fulfillment with this project's vast, subjective musical nonsense. it's about self care and loneliness and apathy and despair. it's about how people and places kind of happen to you, and how your life passes you by.

a giant thank you to anyone who has ever supported this project in any way. i can't imagine why you'd choose to listen to some badly produced, sad shit like this but, i can only hope it helps you in the same way that some of the music i'm passionate about has helped me.

credits

released December 6, 2021

guitar solos on "silver sequin mini skirt" performed by Him Horrison

"inside/outside cat" was originally written by Ri Wardlow of Monster Strut

"when i was invincible" is OG by it could always be colder

"Nintendo 64' is OG by Alex G

"thrash particle" is OG by Modern Baseball

"venus in saggitarius" is a soundcloud demo by Franz Mrdr that i played bass on. it is now a song on West America's latest record, "Easy Listening for a Hard Apocalypse," which i also play bass and sing on.

"her sinking sun" is OG by Coma Cinema

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if i die in mississippi Gulfport, Mississippi

i hope ur ready to be really sad

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